Chapter One

(as copied from the old forum)

Once there was a very biiiiig and multicoloured cat called Billy-Bob. He was on drugs because he mangled his whiskers whilst trying parkour. His proctologist tried to fill Billy-Bob's broken whiskers with joy but there wasn't a single shiny chance that they would unmangle. When Billy-Bob was in rehab, a porcupine sat next to him wearing a luxurious fur coat made in Taiwan. Billy-Bob never managed to recover from the shock of seeing his whiskers mangled.

Despite attempts to learn kanji, Billy-Bob found he could never eat sushi without praying to the gnome from Bristol Zoo who laughs hysterically and sneezes turquoise sputum from their ears. Every time Billy-Bob prayed, a large baby seahorse squeaked past on a wooden mongoose. It took Billy-Bob's sister-in-law from Timbuktu years to understand how he danced because he tended to tip-toe across the dancefloor during Ramadan. The weirdest lake shore sand was splayed across his philtrum and that hurt his spleen, bruising all his plums. 

Billy-Bob loved nuts, especially pistachios. He always preferred chewing really loudly and extremely slowly, except when the moon quacked its meteors in tune with the theme of Glee Live! The pistachios fell sideways out of oysters because they were angry and lonely nuts who sang show socks ruthlessly all night. Once, while bathing, Billie-Bob discovered shells in his butt trimmer. Billy-Bob was aghast at the notion of this, gasping underwater and fighting bees. He killed Bambi's cactus by making milkshakes with frog toes, which caused an anarchy in Bristol Hippodrome. Little people sometimes fly above satellites covered in mayonnaise and chutney to gain respect with the aliens on crack because cats can't swim, unless they take off their eyebrows.

Suddenly, a bright spoon flew over Tokyo. It proclaimed "Pickled beets will overthrow Belarus by yodeling showtunes (badly)." Billy-Bob ran up the lighthouse and into the foyer to somersault across the pile of LEGO airplanes. Since LEGOs hurt his toes, Billy-Bob put on his stockings. This helped with his lumbago and pinky toe but slowly.

Chapter Two

Suddenly,